On Being Mormon and Different

Kate Kelly and John Dehlin face possible (probable) excommunication from the LDS church. One is the founder of Ordain Women and the other founded Mormon Stories and is a supporter of gay church members. This situation is sad. So very sad. And, while it seems everyone has weighed in with an opinion, I've chosen to do what I always do when it comes to ideological conflicts in the church. Stay silent.

By now, every Mormon I know is aware of this and has their own opinion. I'm in another place. I have several opinions and am feeling much conflict within myself. Let me make one thing very clear. I am a Mormon. I have been raised Mormon, baptized Mormon, been given priesthood, and have been through the temple and sealed to my wife. My activity within the church has, admittedly, waxed and waned over the years, but I have always, unashamedly and consistently, identified myself as Mormon. It's as much a part of my identity as my nationality. It has had no small part in shaping who I am; my morality, my character, my ideals.

To me, the idea of being excommunicated is horrifying. It would be like losing a limb. Like losing family. In fact, it would have devastating effects on my family. I would be heart broken. My wife would be heart broken. My mother would be heart broken. It would force them into the conflict between their love of me, and their love of, and duty to, their beliefs. It would force them to accept the idea that I have strayed into apostasy.

So let me say again. This. Is. Sad. And I wont stick my nose to the sky and say it's sad that they lost their way. That it's sad that they didn't accept the truth, or abide by the prophets. It's just sad. And it's somewhat frightening to me, as I feel I can somewhat identify with Kelly and Dehlin, that so many others seem so giddy at their excommunication. This situation is sad.

For as long as I can remember, I've felt different from other Mormons. I've felt askew from the culture of my own religion. I'm open about my support of LGBT rights. I'm pro-choice on abortion and feel as though I'm perfectly in keeping with church teaching while being so (if a woman can choose to abort in the case of rape, or threat to their life, that is pro-choice. It doesn't mean I condone abortions due to inconvenience). I'm an advocate of women's rights and feel a woman's choices on modesty, career, and marriage are her own business. I believe in evolution, and that scientific progress should be embraced and explored rather than feared. I feel that it is offensive to God in the highest to not seek to educate yourself about the universe. I believe that doing so builds a stronger connection to His creation, and that the reality of our descending from elements that were once stars is awe inspiring and evidence of our relationship with the divine. I have come to these conclusions thoughtfully and prayerfully. I feel at peace with them. They come from a place of compassion, not social pressure, and I am in keeping with what God expects of me.

Sometimes this has made me feel as though I'm a bad Mormon. "I'm a Mormon. I'm just not very good at it," was a common joke I made to people. Other times, I've felt as though I, in actuality, was a better Mormon than others. Choosing to believe that my love of God and my love for my brothers and sisters, within the church and without, trumped the strict following of specific dogma (and the disapproval of those who don't). Make no mistake. I am FAR from perfect. Pretty freakin' far. But whether I am at one end or the other of this teetering seesaw, I do not make excuses for my flaws or deviations.

Being different from other members of the church can be frightening in its way. It carries with it the idea that I'm not welcome. Not completely, anyway. I confess, I rarely attend all three hours of church because I feel uncomfortable there. I'm prone to panic attacks in meetings. It first happened when I chose not to serve a mission. For years I was something of a pariah within the church. Honestly, a twenty year old in an institute class is an uncommon and undesirable site. Not to mention the damage it does to dating life. Think about it. All a girl's life within the church, they're instilled with the idea to seek a returned missionary. My non-RM status was instant disqualification as a prospective husband. Never mind the behavior of several of my RM friends after their mission ended, I was far less suitable.

It led to my fear within Sunday School and Elder's Quorum. When issues that I deviate from in belief came around, it was always the better option to stay silent than to voice my concern. It happened when the idea was brought up in class that black and brown people would become white-skinned when entering eternal glory. After all, a tree cannot bear two fruits. This argument was discussed, while all the persons of color in the class smiled uncomfortably. They chose to remain silent rather than stir up contention in the class. I stayed silent with them. This time.

It happened when modesty was discussed, and speaking up and taking a stand when a woman is showing too much skin. "Politely let her know that she's disrespecting herself and sending the wrong message to men," we were told. I was enraged, and wanted to shout my disapproval. But my hands shook. I was scared. Despite the visible discomfort of some women in the room, pulling tight the sweaters covering their shoulders, and since so many other women were vocal in agreement, it seemed best to just stay silent this time.

It happens every time politics is brought up, with the assumption that every member is a conservative Republican. That we need to take a stand against the spreading of rights for gays, who we refer to as those suffering from "same-sex attraction." I so miss the days of Hinkley when the church had a stance of political neutrality. Members were to pray and vote each according to the dictates of their heart, rather than being encouraged to vote for social and economic conservatism. But I don't want to create discomfort in the room. I certainly don't want to draw negative attention to myself. I mean, I see these people every week. I'm scared of how they'll view me. It's probably best to stay silent. This time.

I spoke with my sister a while back, who is far more courageous than I am. She doesn't seek attention, but she is always honest. She's never ashamed of herself or her ideals, and speaks up about them readily. Now she was worried she'd be shunned by people in her ward for her different opinions than the status quo. And while that probably did happen to a degree, she found something else happening. Women were approaching her and thanking her for speaking up. She found out she wasn't alone in her difference from the cultural norms within the church. There are others who stay silent, praying for someone to speak. Or hoping they'll find the courage to do so themselves.

Regarding Kate Kelly and John Dehlin, I can't call myself an ardent supporter of theirs as I haven't familiarized myself much with what they have done. I wasn't aware of Mormon Stories before this situation broke out, and Ordain Women I was primarily only aware of through their attempt to attend priesthood session. But I consider myself somewhat familiar with where they come from. And if it's at all similar to where I come from, I know they love and are committed to their church. Whether you agree with them or not, do NOT assume that they are rebellious for its own sake, or that they have sought to do damage to the church (which it's debatable whether or not they have). I don't want to bother discussing a stance on whether or not I consider it a good idea to hold protests at General Conference, or to provide a forum wherein members express their doubts and negative experiences with the church. But it's my contention that these people had no ill intent.

The intention of this blog post is not to state agreement or disagreement with the church's decision to excommunicate Kelly and Dehlin. It is NOT to start a debate on the right or wrong of their actions or the church's reaction. It is simply to state what it is to feel marginalized by members of the church. To feel like your opinions brand you an outsider when they are actually made with much thought and prayer. It is meant to state what it is to feel that you must remain silent. As Mormons it is in our very nature and heritage to question the teachings of religious authority and sincerely pray to find the answers for ourselves, just as a 14 year old boy once did in New York. While you don't agree with what they've done, do not be so hasty to judge them. And do not take joy in what will no doubt be very painful to them.

My sister told me recently that the church needs members like me to speak up. That doing so would encourage others to feel welcome and not alone. She tried to bolster my courage to attend church meetings and, while not trying to create an environment of contention, to feel free to question aloud what's being spoken. To express concerns in order to gain a better understanding for myself and others, and even educate others on how harmless it is to have a difference of opinion or interpretation. And I wanted to. But, for me and others like me, on the outside of the cultural norm, the church's decision to pass discipline to Kelly and Dehlin sends a different message. Stay silent.